photo (52)While channel surfing the other day T2 came a across an episode of Cake Boss where the titular character, the Cake Boss, was preparing a wedding cake for the nuptials between two dogs.  I didn’t see the episode myself so all of this is being filtered through the sometimes funhouse lens that is T2, but apparently it was some sort of charity deal.  The dogs were having a big wedding attended by other dogs (and I presume their owners) with everyone giving wedding gifts of money that went to the local Humane Society.  There was a band and a ceremony and, of course a cake.

For whatever reason, this really hooked into T2’s imagination.  He spent the next three days planning the wedding of our dog, Starbuck.  He carefully crafted invitations and had C and I sign all of them.  He brought a handful of them with him when we went to run errands and I had to actively stop him from handing them out to local businesses to put up in their windows.   He understood that you plan weddings in advance so he set the day for May of 2015. He researched cakes and figured out what all we could put into a dog wedding cake to make it tasty and healthy.  He decided that Starbuck and her husband would need a new bed, so he went online shopping and found a $600 memory foam dog-bed that I was then instructed to buy.

We were short a groom, so he went on petfinder.com and produced a list of what he considered viable candidates.  In his opinion, Starbuck would be happy with a Great Dane, a Huskie or some other variety of big dog all of whom were available for adoption immediately.   We eventually explained to him that we weren’t going to adopt another dog any time soon and so he began reviewing the neighborhood for candidates.  He finally decided that when next-door-neighbor-partner-in-crime-R got a new dog, that new dog would be the husband.

I know it sounds adorable, and it is, but after a couple of days it got pretty exhausting.  It was his sole topic of conversation.  C and I began to wonder if the dog wedding talk was his way of broaching a wider topic.

He got a veiled chameleon for Christmas.  It was just about all he asked for.  Its name is Blink, christened by T2 after an episode of Doctor Who that features his second favorite Doctor Who bad guys.  I was against the idea at first (of the lizard, not of the naming convention for the lizard) but I have to admit, it is pretty cool.  It’s tongue is 1.5 times the length of its body and it shoots it across the big enclosure we got for it whenever he is hunting crickets.  He does that a lot.  It’s a juvenile and it eats non-stop.  As a result, we have to make regular trips to Petco to buy feeder crickets.

T2 and I were on one of these cricket runs.  I was driving along, he was in the back seat going on about his wedding preparations.

“The problem,” he said, “will be getting the same number of boy dogs there as girl dogs.”

“Why is that a problem?” I asked.

“Well,” he said, “I mean, it’s pretty hard to tell them apart.”

“No it isn’t,” I said, obviously not paying a lot of attention to the conversation. “I mean, boy dogs have penises.”

“Sure,” said T2, “but I mean, Starbuck is a girl dog and she has a penis.”

“What?” I said, still mentally trying to figure out what, per year, it was going to cost us to feed the little velociraptor now living in my family room. “She doesn’t have a penis, she’s a girl.  Girls have vaginas.”

“What is a vagina?” he asked.

I don’t know why I assumed that he knew boys have penises and girls have vaginas.  He knows you traditionally plan weddings a year to eight months in advance and yet he doesn’t know basic biology?  Then again, he’s eight.  He doesn’t have any sisters.  I don’t know that they’ve covered that in school, but I can’t, upon reflection, imagine that they have.  He’s never seen Kindergarten Cop.

“Patrick,” he repeated,” what’s a vagina?”

“Well,” I said, “it’s like the girl version of a penis.  Different, but basically serving the same function.”

“Oh,” he said, “okay.”

And went back to making dog wedding plans.


One thought on “Matrimony

  1. Well, if he hasn’t had this in school, he surely will soon. Your father never will recover from you coming home in the second grade and talking all about learning it at school. Sure enough, you had. Hang in there, “Dad”, this again is only the beginning.

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